Weeks before my third semester in graduate school ends, I am deeply suffering from stress, disappointment and high level of impatience.
Stress comes naturally, I think, or at least not unexpectedly given the demands of school - papers, exams, presentation, and aiming a decent grade. What make me more uneasy now, and a big reason for my stress, are disappointment and a rather high level of impatience. I first discuss disappointment.
Last year I made a big leap when I applied for the master’s program in economics. Getting an MA degree in economics has really been a part of my dream after college graduation, something I’ve realized during my first work when I knew I wanted to teach. Lack of self-esteem, lack of guts, lack of a focused vision were just some of the reasons for my hesitation.
So finally last year was the big leap, a decision I consider as one of the greatest I’ve made. I prepared myself, expecting and hoping to graduate within two years.
Then this summer, I got invited to the PhD program. What a nice surprise, but confusion ensued. Hesitation surfaced again. I was afraid I could not survive it. It was almost in conflict with my more personal life. I was afraid, and afraid.
Yet in the end, the adventurous me prevailed. Besides, I got invited so the faculty might really be thinking I could survive another year of coursework for the PhD program, and the comprehensive exam, and the dissertation. I am now in my first semester for the coursework.
So here comes the disappointment. I feel like I am not performing well. I feel like a below average student. I feel like an unworthy PhD student. Heck, I could probably do some optimal control problem, but those topics I consider as more interesting and more valuable are the things I find more difficult.
Even more, I suck at writing papers. I suck at presenting. I suck at communicating. I suck at organizing my thoughts. (Sucker, and I don’t want to be a sucker. Who wants to, anyway?) I think I am failing at these things, which are critical as a PhD student, as a prospective researcher, as someone (hopefully) coming from the academe, as someone making a career outside the academe, and probably more. So what do I do? What can I do!
(This tumblelog is actually an attempt to make myself write more, to practice writing with a more coherent thought, to read more, to be more aware of the things around me, to be not just reactive but react on issues with sense and intelligence, and even more proactive.)
So that’s where my disappointment is coming from. I could not live up to my expectation of a worthy PhD student (and later as a worthy PhD candidate).
Now I discuss my rather high level of impatience.
Getting in the PhD track was not a part of my original plan. Just for the MA program, I have already hesitated for around four years before finally enrolling. That even included some prodding and encouragement from the great people I’ve worked with in the past few years. The decision to get myself into the longer PhD track was a relatively impulsive one.
That impulsive decision is now reflected in my high level of impatience - impatient to finish this coursework the soonest, impatient to do other things aside from studying, impatient to pursue my more personal plans. Simply impatient.
I have not been emotionally and mentally prepared to subject myself to a longer agony. Graduate school is more than just being intellectually prepared and able. It also requires mental and emotional preparedness as it usually involves (especially in my case as full time, fully loaded with 12 units, graduate student) some degree of removal from one’s social and family circle.
I miss my family. I miss my love. I miss having a worry-free weekend.
I hope and I pray I can survive and succeed in this endeavor. I want it, really, even if the decision to endure prolonged agony was a somewhat impulsive one. Even with the pain and sleepless nights, I want what I am pursuing now. Help me God.
