Updates, Un-Progress and Progress

It has almost been smooth sailing a while back, but then boom, insanity broke loose.

I don't know when it really started. I guess that was around the MA Econ qualifying exam period.

The Devastatingly Difficult Exam

Around the week of that momentous exam, I had a lot of backlog in work. I needed to work as if it was not a part time work. Then the exam period came. I had to at least review and prepare for it. But then I was overwhelmed with the tons of knowledge I almost forgot. Friday was another unproductive day.

March 28. The exam day. S***! That was so difficult. I could remember murmuring bad words to my dear friend who said it was an easy exam that needs no preparation. My essay was poor. Math was the easiest subject, which I wasn't even able to finish. It was a miracle if I even got 50% in the economics section. That was just simply one of the most horrible exams I've had (aside probably the 17% or so Math 17 exam I got in my freshman year.)

Disappointment. Confusion. Near depression.

I was almost set to taking my masters in economics this June, and make a thesis on property rights or even tourism as a development strategy for Zambales. Afterward, I imagine myself applying for a teaching position in Ramon Magsaysay Technological University or a university just outside Zambales (near a beach or some nature tripping destination.) I was not so keen on research, but I guess I had to deal with it.

With the kind of exam I had, my mind started drifting to other things.

Research? Or Adventure?

Though my interview went well, and I was hoping that my referees (and mentors) gave me a good recommendation, I was still haunted by the idea of not qualifying for the MA. It would be a disappointment for me, and that would be an embarrassing reality since I graduated from that school with honors. So I thought of an alternative plan, or at least an idea of an alternative plan, which later made me not feel bad about failing and may even feel good about it.

My desire to go to an adventure re-surfaced.

During my stay in my previous work, when the project was ending, and with life and career talks with my boss, I resolved that I wanted to do an adventure before taking my masters this June. Maybe volunteer, do some work in another province, teach, explore other culture. It was exciting.

However, that was easy to say and difficult to execute. Then I got a call to do assistant research work, which I accepted. One project, then it became two.

The research work was not the primary reason why I did not pursue that adventure route. It was only secondary. I was prevented from doing it mainly because (1) I did not know where to go; (2) I did not know how to do it; and (3) I did not even know exactly what I want to do. Then there was a third reason - somebody's against this idea of going solo to another place. Ho-hum.

With the then overwhelming feeling of not going to pass for the MA Econ program, I started planning (or just thinking) about my adventure trip. I even included going abroad as an option. Go abroad and earn tons of money. Go somewhere else and apply for a really different job. Go to a culturally rich society and indulge myself in their rich traditions. Or simply teach. Start fresh. For not making it to the program would really be devastating, even if I say I'd feel good about pursuing an adventure plan.

Besides, I did not think I was even good in research. I may even suck at research. Honestly, it's not my comfort zone. After my undergraduate thesis, research was not a good thing to me anymore.

I was even thinking about quitting.

Incoming Call from 029205460

I thought it was Devie from the La Salle Institute of Governance. I've got a potential part time work with the Institute again, not really an academic research, which I like. However, with the turmoil going in my head, I was not ready to accept a third project. How could I handle three projects when I can't even manage to do my job with only two? I was anxious (was that the right word?)

Then I recognized it was not Devie. Oh, could that be Ms. Chilly (of the graduate program in UPSE)? Yes it was.

She was asking if I'd take the economics refresher course that starts this Saturday, and if I got the letter already. I did not get the letter, but I'd take the refresher. Apparently (or maybe?), I passed. (They wouldn't call me about the course if I did not pass, right? Still doubting that I am qualified.)

Is Economics for Me?

Even with that call, I don't think that question's been cleared yet. I have no interest in the money market, the stock market, the investment climate, the economic crisis, the financial market, the fiscal sector, and anything related to the economics of money, banking and financial markets. I still get lost with economic theories. I just know that I want to do my share to help my country progress from being a developing or a third-world or an underdeveloped country, and spill the benefits to my fellow Filipinos. I just know that I want to help boost tourism without abusing the environment (sustainable development, do we all understand that?). And, I still want to learn how to tie property rights (or secure property rights) with economic development.

Goodness, I've been with the property rights project for almost two years already and I still don't understand the economic aspect of that property rights thing. I understand the governance side, but I need some economic understanding of that thing! Wish me luck.

Maybe I am Simply Lazy

A good friend told me that I am capable to do what I want to do since I'm, well, good (?) and even above-average (?). Haha, maybe I'm also lacking in confidence that I don't consider myself above-average. Or maybe I'm just lazy that I don't get to see and realize my potential.

Or crazy

I want a good life, but I don't want to work. My equally crazy boyfriend supports me in my idea to not work... eventually.

Or Lacks Motivation

I have almost always wanted to teach. Maybe that's the key to my "work happiness". Since senior year, I hated research. Maybe that's why I'm not good at research.

I Need a Masters Degree

Then it all leads to taking my masters degree. I need an MA to enable me to teach. That's like the minimum requirement for almost every university or even a college.

So now, wish me luck.

For the meantime, I have work to do. It's actually an easy work, but I lack the motivation.... (here I go again...)

Now I think I should just say, force me to work and live a life!

Thank you all for reading this piece. ;)