Career Path

SINGAPORE - What should I do?

On a day-to-day basis, that question is fairly easy to answer. Most probably, I shall cook, do the laundry, buy some stuff from the grocery, read, look for recipes, plan the menu, play games, watch TV for a short time, eat, think about food, check Facebook, chat, try to read for my dissertation, watch Korean drama, and the list goes on.

Looking ahead, I can't find a definitive answer. For my dissertation, what should I really write about? In terms of my career, should I pursue a purely academic track? Or, should I explore the corporate world?

In the corporate world, should I further explore fields or jobs I haven't really thought about when I entered graduate school two years ago? Or, should I stick to jobs that allow me to use the things I've learned over the past couple of years or so (provided they exist; I am hopeful that they exist)?

While I am not yet looking for work (and channeling my energy on *trying* to be a good housewife), I want to be productive with my time, learn something new, reinforce what I've already learned before, and gain new knowledge.  With limited resources and time, however, I have to focus on just a thing (or topic or field) or two.  What's that thing? I do not know.

I want that thing to be something useful to the track (purely academe, purely corporate, or corporate that also uses my graduate school learning).  I haven't decided, and could not decide -- upon starting to write this blog entry.  Reading and writing that fourth paragraph, I will hope and pray that there exists a work in the corporate world that involves using the stuff I learned and loved from graduate school (not macroeconomics, please). :)

New

New year: 2012
New status: married
New occupation: housewife (and still a struggling student)
New surname: Abad
:)

The Chickenpox Adventure

Day 0 (Saturday) - fever

I even had a trial make up, so good luck to them :P

Day 1 (Sunday), morning - high fever and a few "pimples" on my back

I even had Lara check my back to see the pimples and counted them as four. As the day progressed, I realized I had a few more "pimples" on my head and neck and legs, and wondered what weird illness struck me this time.

Day 1 (Sunday) afternoon - still with fever and the "pimples" are really weird

I asked Tita Star to check my back since I already doubted the rashes were pimples. She said it might be chickenpox (bulutong tubig).  Scared.  The internet scared me more, with all the write ups about adult chickenpox being more difficult and potentially leads to complications.  We went to the doctor, but the doctor's not around.

Day 2 (Monday) - check up

Still with fever, but less paracetamol intake. The doctor gave me acycrovil and anti-histamine for this ordeal. Very uncomfortable, especially with a high fever. I had to send an e-mail for work, after which my fever went up. So really no work until I've fully recovered.

Day 3 (Tuesday) - panic, still uncomfortable

I've scratched a couple of rashes last Sunday on my neck, and by this time those two look bad. So I went again to see the doctor, but the doctor wasn't there, but the assistant said "that's the real chickenpox." Oh well.

Day 4 (Wednesday) - really bored, a bit better, but still very uncomfortable

Time is really slow when you have nothing to do. The rashes are all itchy and yucky. The medicine helped contain the virus as there were only a few rashes on my body (not as few as I want them to be, but that only few are visible to me.)  No paracetamol intake for the day. Oh, check up with the doctor again and she gave me antibiotics to prevent infection. Some rashes are about to burst (and so eeecky, whatever that means.)  Rashes on my head gave me a difficult time to lie in bed, but I still had a good sleep.

Day 5 (Thursday) - really bored, feeling better, itchier, looks yuck

Due to boredom, I'm tempted to work...not! I was really tempted to work especially since my workmate got loads of work due to my absence. But I know I'll get tired if I work and might get a fever again, so no, I'll take a rest.

I take off my glasses when I go to the bathroom so I won't see my face clearly. The rashes on my face are just so big and look really ugly (they're about to burst, I guess.)  I try not to look at my other rashes.  Good thing most are concentrated on my back, and only a few on my arms and legs.  Bad thing that the order of concentration is back-neck/head/face-tummy-legs-arms.  I have to go the dermatologist after I've recovered (and harmless, wrt the virus, to other people) - I'm getting married in about six weeks (bad timing, chickenpox, but better than have it on December!)

Day 6 - tomorrow

A short rant

What should I do now, career-wise?

I'm done with MA. I should be starting my dissertation. I should already be writing the health paper. I am employed as an RA, but I'm bored and I'm not learning. I am excited to start a new chapter of my life soon.

Yet, really, what should I do with my career?

My birthday wishlist for my 27th birthday

Sa sobrang stressed sa compre exam at sobrang pagre-relax sa bakasyon, nakalimutan ko ang aking birthday wishlist. Unti lang naman ang nagbago (kung meron man) mula sa mga nakaraang taon:

• bagong mga damit
• sapatos
• bag na pambabae
• iPad (yung 2)

At sa mas makabuluhang wishlist (binisita ko muna ang wishlist ko noong nakaraang taon bago ko ito naisip):

• dissertation topic
• magandang kalusugan
• kasiyahan at pagmamahalan magpakailanman

<3

*updated on Nov. 10, 2011

Ano ang gagawin ko pagkatapos ng compre exam?

Ito ang balak kong gawin pagkatapos ng compre exam, plano ko sa buhay, hindi yung listahan ng mga gagawin depende kung pass o fail:

1. Mag-TF dahil required at dahil gusto ko [pass or fail]
2. Part time RA siguro [pass or fail]
3. Pumunta doon sa kabilang bansa [pass or fail]
4. Gumawa ng paper para sa health [pass or fail]
5. Mag-isip ng dissertation topic [pass]
6. Aralin muli ang macro at micro theories, paunti-unti [fail]

Ang maiiba lang naman ay yung sa item 5 at item 6. Dahil magtuturo ako sa darating na sem, mas kaya naman siguro yung item 6 kung sakaling fail.

Pagod na akong mag-aral. Gusto ko na magbakasyon.

To Do List

My last entry was a "to do list" on October 2, 2010, some seven months ago! Blame the PhD program for my absence in this virtual world! (Am I even fit for that program?!)

Here's a list* of the things I want (and need) to do after the comprehensive exam on May 10 and 12:

• Shop for new wardrobe (I need a sponsor for this =P)
• Go to the beach worry-free! *5/15/11
• Spa! *5/29/11 fish spa =P
• Some travel with you *5/20/11-06/12/11
• Reconnect with friends (kain at tambay)
• Clean the house/room
• Drive the car back to Zambales (invitation to join me is open) *5/14/11
• Movies and series marathon (list includes BBT =D ) *vacation
• Haircut, hair spa, manicure, pedicure, kaartehan lang

**subject to revision

To Do List

Here I go again with a "to do list" - my guiding list to achieve a more worthwhile life. It sometimes really helps me straighten my path, especially if posted here.

• Take my 7:30 or 8:00 AM alarm seriously
• Listen to my whole being if I needed to stop and take a break
• Focus on things I have to do and believe that I can do them
• Eat a lot
• Try to sleep not later than 1:00 AM

I dare myself to follow this list. If I could follow this until at least the semester officially ends, I wish to reward myself with the 50mm f/1.8 lens (and only if I could find funds for that thing, or at least I wouldn't feel guilty if I'd splurge on it). The dare starts now!

Positive Vibes and Attitude

I thought I would get the chance to go home only when the semester finally ends. However, I've realized I needed to go home to rejuvenate my battered self and get strength from my family.

The past few weeks have been so stressful and frustrating on my part. This semester is supposedly easier compared to my first semester last year (due to the absence of a unreasonably demanding professor). However, this semester has so far been the most stressful one.

I attribute the overwhelming level of stress from lack of emotional maturity to face this "upgraded" academic and intellectual task. I sometimes even think I just got lucky to get invited to the PhD track. I have even felt that I shouldn't be here.

Yet I am here. I got invited. While I am struggling to succeed, I should realize that I wouldn't be here without a good reason. I guess I simply have to be more confident, have more courage, believe and have faith.

Getting some much-needed break with the love of my family at home is simply great. Especially after reading a couple of my previous blog posts, my mindset on life lightened and my frustration and disappointment turned to challenges in a positive sense.

I intend to survive this course. I will give my best and strive for excellence, but I shall not forget about my whole well-being, including my health and the simple pleasures of life. I greet the new day with a smile, armed with positive vibes and attitude. :)

On studies and stress and impatience and disappointment

Weeks before my third semester in graduate school ends, I am deeply suffering from stress, disappointment and high level of impatience.

Stress comes naturally, I think, or at least not unexpectedly given the demands of school - papers, exams, presentation, and aiming a decent grade. What make me more uneasy now, and a big reason for my stress, are disappointment and a rather high level of impatience. I first discuss disappointment.

Last year I made a big leap when I applied for the master’s program in economics. Getting an MA degree in economics has really been a part of my dream after college graduation, something I’ve realized during my first work when I knew I wanted to teach. Lack of self-esteem, lack of guts, lack of a focused vision were just some of the reasons for my hesitation.

So finally last year was the big leap, a decision I consider as one of the greatest I’ve made. I prepared myself, expecting and hoping to graduate within two years.

Then this summer, I got invited to the PhD program. What a nice surprise, but confusion ensued. Hesitation surfaced again. I was afraid I could not survive it. It was almost in conflict with my more personal life. I was afraid, and afraid.

Yet in the end, the adventurous me prevailed. Besides, I got invited so the faculty might really be thinking I could survive another year of coursework for the PhD program, and the comprehensive exam, and the dissertation. I am now in my first semester for the coursework.

So here comes the disappointment. I feel like I am not performing well. I feel like a below average student. I feel like an unworthy PhD student. Heck, I could probably do some optimal control problem, but those topics I consider as more interesting and more valuable are the things I find more difficult.

Even more, I suck at writing papers. I suck at presenting. I suck at communicating. I suck at organizing my thoughts. (Sucker, and I don’t want to be a sucker. Who wants to, anyway?) I think I am failing at these things, which are critical as a PhD student, as a prospective researcher, as someone (hopefully) coming from the academe, as someone making a career outside the academe, and probably more. So what do I do? What can I do!

(This tumblelog is actually an attempt to make myself write more, to practice writing with a more coherent thought, to read more, to be more aware of the things around me, to be not just reactive but react on issues with sense and intelligence, and even more proactive.)

So that’s where my disappointment is coming from. I could not live up to my expectation of a worthy PhD student (and later as a worthy PhD candidate).

Now I discuss my rather high level of impatience.

Getting in the PhD track was not a part of my original plan. Just for the MA program, I have already hesitated for around four years before finally enrolling. That even included some prodding and encouragement from the great people I’ve worked with in the past few years. The decision to get myself into the longer PhD track was a relatively impulsive one.

That impulsive decision is now reflected in my high level of impatience - impatient to finish this coursework the soonest, impatient to do other things aside from studying, impatient to pursue my more personal plans. Simply impatient.

I have not been emotionally and mentally prepared to subject myself to a longer agony. Graduate school is more than just being intellectually prepared and able. It also requires mental and emotional preparedness as it usually involves (especially in my case as full time, fully loaded with 12 units, graduate student) some degree of removal from one’s social and family circle.

I miss my family. I miss my love. I miss having a worry-free weekend.

I hope and I pray I can survive and succeed in this endeavor. I want it, really, even if the decision to endure prolonged agony was a somewhat impulsive one. Even with the pain and sleepless nights, I want what I am pursuing now. Help me God.

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